The 4 Idiots of Video Game A.I.

If the boss of your video game is a gigantic cyclops with a laser gun, bulging biceps and a radioactive codpiece, it is fair to say that it will be at least mildly intimidating, especially if the player isn’t wearing a lead vest. However, the true manner in which an enemy, boss or otherwise, in a video game is challenging and difficult these days is largely based around its artificial intelligence. Not real artificial intelligence, of course. You won’t be facing Lieutenant Commander Data, HAL or any other A.I. character, mostly because such characters don’t exist. Real artificial intelligence is a gleam in the eye of theoretical scientists who think that android sex bots sound like a pretty neat idea.

Artificial intelligence in a video game is merely a blanket phrase that describes how well an enemy adapts to fighting you. Early examples can be seen in computer chess programs. These days, technology has developed to a point that video game designers can create fairly intuitive monsters and other baddies who can fight you in a fairly intelligent way. Although, even in today’s not-quite-flying-car-but-we’re-getting-there technoworld, developers from time to time screw the proverbial pooch upon crafting their antagonists. The following are the four idiotic models of video game artificial intelligence.

The Full Speed Ahead Monster - Categorized as having one major direction (forward) and one major goal (kill) and precious little else. If the FSAM sees you, there are only two possible outcomes: you will kill it or it will eat your head and your limbs, leaving you nothing but a torso in either a bulky military outfit or mandalorian armor, depending on the game. To the FSAM, there is nothing more important or enjoyable than charging head first, arms flailing and mouth agape towards a player who has a rocket launcher and an unlimited ammo code. What a bright young lad.

Its flaws are noticeable and staggering. The FSAM does not stop to pick up new and better weapons along its beeline path towards your juicy innards. Heavens no. That would make too much sense. Instead, the FSAM points his KILL EYES at you and doesn’t stop until either you or it dies. It doesn’t even care which happens, because either way, its function in life will immediately end upon either conclusion.

An FSAM is typically a zombie. That way, when a developer is told that his enemies are too pants-crappingly stupid, he can claim that zombies are supposed to be stupid, and that it was entirely intentional.

Captain Apathy - Categorized as an unresponsive, misanthropic enemy who does not care about his own well being or that of others. The standard scenario in which a CA will find himself is that of being shot, sometimes from a great distance, by an aspiring eastern European gangster or a space marine. After being hit with a potentially deadly attack, CA stands perfectly still and patiently awaits the second attack, practically hoping that the second shot finishes himself off. Why? Because being completely stationary while being barraged with bullets and molotov cocktails is depressing and embarrassing. The CA prays for death and shouts angrily at the techno-god who created him to be a such a damned loser.

CA has no sense of self or motivation. He is struck with an unending ennui that will not cease until the back of his head is finally blown off by a sniper who for some reason needs to take two or three shots to finish the CA off. Common examples of the CA are rival gangsters and anything spawned in the pre-disc days of gaming.

AABAAB A.I. - Categorized as an enemy, often a boss, who follows a distinct pattern and almost never deviates from it regardless of stimulus from the external world. AABAAB is a tragicomedy of sorts. He is blissfully ignorant of any and all possible goals and new ideas. AABAAB, much as its name suggests, follows a consistent pattern designed to ward off the player’s character. He fires his supercharged rockets, runs around in place no matter where the player is, exposes his weak point while taunting for no apparent reason, shoots off his secondary weapon, lunges at a wall and collides skull-first, then repeats the process.

AABAAB has a short lifespan, even as a level boss. Anyone with half a brain will be able to defeat AABAAB after a few attempts because the way to defeat him is simply memorization and repetition. The disgusting irony of it is that this stupid creature makes his opponent stupid as well, leaving the player with nothing to think about or plan. Rather, the player must only fight AABAAB, die, then fight him again knowing the pattern, and win. Common examples of AABAAB can be found at the end of a level in nearly every NES game ever made.

Mr. Glitch - Categorized as having a broken aspect to his artificial intelligence and/or being mentally challenged. MR.G is a failure. An awful, worthless failure. He sits in a room waiting for the player to storm in with a magical sword, and as MR.G does this, he is also trying to fit shotgun shells into a DVD player. Upon hearing the player coming close, he opens the microwave door to walk through it to the living room. Failing that, MR.G will often run into a wall and – not knowing how to get around it – will thrash his entire body against it as if he were a computerized battering ram made of digital meat.

Someone forgot to code MR.G correctly, and in that rush to shove the game into stores quickly, the poor fellow was born with half a brain…and the half that works is damaged…and the brain is lodged in his foot. MR.G can frequently be found walking on the ceiling, doing a retarded dance that crashes the game or inhabiting anything designed by Electronic Arts.

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In conclusion, I want more out of my video game experience. I want artificial intelligence so good and so powerful that I after I beat the game and turn off my Playstation 3, it transforms into fucking Skynet. Until then, I’m off to slaughter some zombies. Stupid, stupid zombies.