I remember the 80’s. The strange, fey, and animalistic hairstyles that had bizarre points at the ends, feathered and tied with gigantic bows which had no place being there. The overuse and abundance of neon pink which radiated with disgusting -but eye-catching- brightness around every street corner and in every music video.

Oh, yes. There were crazy movies and video games too.

Contemporary gamers have become more than little spoiled. Movie tie-in video games occur with far greater frequency than in the time of my youth. In the 21st century, it is more likely that the aforementioned games may not entirely suck. In the 80’s, you were very lucky to get a video game based on your favorite movie, but if you received a game based on your favorite movie and it was actually entertaining, this was a true miracle.

The sad fact is that many of my (and possibly your) cherished 80’s flicks either never received game translations or -even worse- had heinous game tie-ins (which was more frequent). Of course, there is still time! Twenty-six years after its release, Rockstar released The Warriors, a game based on a 1979 film of the same name. It was received very well by critics and fans alike. If the late 70’s can get their cult film adapted to the video game medium, so too might 80’s cult films. The following is a list of such films which could very well translate into the best movie tie-in games of all time. To make the cut, a film had to meet one of these qualifications.

#1: The film was never adapted to a game
#2: It was adapted to a game but was absolutely rotten and needs to be tried again.

* * * * * * *

The Lost Boys (1987) – Pre-”24″ Kiefer Sutherland was a Billy Idol-esque vampire hunting down the likes of Corey Feldman, Corey Haim and other 80’s wash-outs. You can’t lose!

To the best of my knowledge, The Lost Boys was never given a video game in the 80’s, most likely due to the fact that the themes involved in the film were not appropriate for children. Believe or not, all you twenty-something or thirty-something gamers, there was a time when games were almost completely for children and such things as bloodsucking and sex were taboo. They also had horse and buggies back then, you know.

The Lost Boys game would be a huge seller these days. I’m tired of zombies getting all the undead action in games. Vampires are infinitely cooler and ten times sexier anyway. The Lost Boys video game could be a survival horror in which you play as one of the Coreys (they are so distinct!) trying to survive in the town of Santa Clara. You’re armed with water guns filled with holy water a la the film. Extra points if you can burn the massive amount of gel in Kiefer’s hair.

Labyrinth (1986) – Oh, Jim Henson. You left us far too soon, but your legacy has given us puppets that could be assembled by a first grader, seemingly gay Sesame Street roommates and the insanely fabulous fantasy movie Labyrinth. David Bowie played Jareth the Goblin King, despite the fact that he was clearly not dressed up to look so much like a goblin as he was garbed in tight pants that displayed what I can only assume was a mammoth package. Bowie desired Jennifer Connelly, who at the time was sixteen and playing a character who was meant to be even younger. It was pedo-riffic!

Labyrinth actually did receive various video game adaptations, and surprise surprise, they were all terrible. One game for the NES did not even seen an America release, which is unusual considering it was an America film and would likely have fared better in my side of the world. Ah, those nutty Japanese. They would make better decisions if they could stop watching tentacle rape hentai for two seconds.

Labyrinth needs a real game, don’t you think? The title alone suggests something interactive, so a series of mazes, riddles, action and dance sequences would be true to the film and lots of fun as a game. You remind me of the babe! … What babe? … The babe with the power!

The Monster Squad (1987) – This movie had it all: The Wolfman, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein’s Monster, The Mummy and Dracula. It was like It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World for villains. The film starred a bunch of guys you had never heard of in the 80’s and didn’t see much of them in the 90’s or today either. However, it did have Ryan Lambert as Rudy, the cool kid with a leather jacket who inexplicably likes hanging out with the nerdy kids.

Try as I did, I could not find any evidence of a video game adaptation of The Monster Squad. Either no such game exists or it was very much under the radar. That is all the more reason it needs to be made today! While video game designers are busy making glorified Simon games like Rock Band and Guitar Hero, they could be creating an action/comedy masterpiece.

It could be a non-linear sandbox game. If you want, you can go after The Creature from the Black Lagoon first, or you can get do odd jobs for the infamous Scary German Guy to earn enough money to buy that shotgun you had your eye on. Wrap it all up in a rock/rap hybrid theme song (popular at that time) and you have got yourself a winner.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986) – John Carpenter’s most beloved film. I mean, besides Halloween, Assault on Precinct 13, Escape from New York, Halloween II and The Thing. Yeah, I suppose it is a little bit down there around, but that’s okay. It only means that this game would come out of nowhere like a sucker punch to the crotch – of greatness!

Big Trouble in Little China had a game adaptation, but it was for the Commodore 64. So, it sucked. Its only other tie to gaming is that Mortal Kombat designers claim that they made Raiden based on one of the characters from this film. If you have ever seen Big Trouble in Little China and have played Mortal Kombat, you know the resemblance is clear.

A game for Big Trouble in Little China actually makes sense right now. This is an over-the-top action flick with martial arts and weird magic thrown in. It’s practically a grindhouse film with a somewhat higher budget. Recapturing the Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature in a video game has been all the rage lately with titles such as House of the Dead: Overkill, MadWorld and Wet. A shoot-em-up starring Jack Burton (“Who?” “Jack Burton, me.”) is just what the insane Chinese undead boss ordered!